An open letter to the Queen

Dear Queen Elizabeth,

Pardon my meddling in Royal Affairs, but as a resident of the New World and a veteran wedding witness, I feel compelled to offer some down home advice.

I just read that you are going to dodge the actual wedding of your son, Prince Charles, and his intended, Camilla Parker Bowles, and I am aghast. Or, as you Brits say, "Gobsmacked."

Not show up for the marriage ceremony of your son? Oh, my. This will really make things tough around the Thanksgiving table. Oh, wait, y'all don't have Thanksgiving, do you?

THE BIG SNUB: Now, seriously, Queen, dodging the vows is a bigger snub than Jacques Chirac speaking French at a banquet with W when he knows darned well that the American president hablas just espanol y englais. Oui?

What "43" ought to do the next time he goes to Europe is have all of his diplomatic affairs handled by either Larry The Cable Guy or Ron White. Maybe Bernie Mac could be lead bodyguard/bouncer. That would teach ol' Jacques to pull that parlez vous francois stuff. I'm not even sure that's spelled right. I studied Latin, myself. My people have been traced back to the time of Tiberius so we know a thing or two about family disturbances. (You'll need to be up on your Roman history to get that joke.)

Oh, horrors, pardon me, your Highness, for getting off the subject. We must return to your crisis at hand.

REPEAT PERFORMANCES: I would think that after your all-too-public dust ups with both Princess Diana and Fergie, that you'd make an effort at being a little more of a discreet, accommodating mother-in-law with Camilla and a little less of a royal horse's highness. Not that you are -- I only know what I read online, to borrow from Will Rogers and update it. Of course, I wouldn't wish your family troubles on Charles Manson.

These people are your family. You ought to be there to watch them say "I do" even if it is happening decades after they did.

Still, I can see your side. I mean, it isn't like NASA asked the Royal Family for a loan of Charles so he could brainstorm a faster-than-light-speed engine. He may be a scholarly fellow, but who knows for sure?

The biggest headlines ol' Charles has ever made were for (a) getting married, (b) getting divorced and (c) falling off polo ponies.

Camilla, on the other hand, has burned a torch for Charles for so long that it looks like the ash on the hot end of a barfly's cigarette. It's like that song, "Endless Love," which I understand is the official wedding song and will be performed by the Duke of Earl.

FAMILY BUSINESS: Listen, Queen, this is a family thing. It's important that you see to it that your son doesn't feel unloved in his family just because of his choice of mate.

We have that sort of situation in America all the time. Some of these weddings will really rock the doublewide. There'll be a punch bowl sloshing in the kitchen, a JP nervously standing in the den of the doublewide and in the back bedroom, there'll be Momma in her church-and-funeral dress with a corsage and she'll be screaming at Daddy, "Don't let me near that little vixen. She better not hurt my baby." And daddy would grab her and hold her back, but he doesn't want to drop his longneck.

I don't sense that sort of maternal protectiveness from you these days. Charles may have worn your patience woefully thin. I know that can happen.

Of course, I haven't visited you in the palace lately, either. Maybe you're doing what Charles has advised you to do, "Just show up for the party, Mom."

CUNNING COPING PLOY: Whatever the case, I know what it's like to have marital strife boiling up in your life, so my advice is to cope with it ahead of time rather than doing something that might aggravate it to an unstoppable momentum and make a bunch of headlines.

I know my invitation to the wedding is probably going to be lost in the mail, but just in case, I want you to know that I fully intend to cross the pond and show up if it gets here on time.

I'm thinking these two crazy kids probably already have everything a struggling middle-aged couple needs to start out with, but, just in case, can you tell me where they're registered? Do they have a four-slice toaster? A wok? Fondue set?

Now, I hope you and the family have some quality time together and work things out without the benefit of a lot of press. Two people finally getting married at this stage of their lives need all the help they can get.

The world needs a calm Royal Family for a while.

Like Lennon & McCartney wrote, "All you need is love."

Besides, we're as tired of reading about your family as you are.

Keep it real. Your American conscience,

Larry Powell, NRT*

*No Royal Title