We have rolled the red carpet out to the curb and are awaiting the night the stars come out.
Vera and Rosie, the Chihuahua mixes, are preparing to control Sunday night's crowd with persistent yapping and implied threats. .
Our living room, just for Sunday night, will be referred to as "The Dorothy Chandler Pavilion" -- I know the Oscars are in the Kodak Theatre this year, but I'm a sap and the Oscars were held at the Chandler when I first started giving a hoot about them. Anybody can have a Kodak, but the "Dorothy Chandler Pavilion" has cache. The crowd will include my cinemaspouse Martha, me and our dogs and cats who have slept through many great films.
I won't be wearing a tux -- got married in it Dec. 15, 1991, outgrew it during the wedding reception. Too much finger food in too short a time. In fact, if my food intake were spread out over a proper number of years, I would have already eaten 285 years worth of food. But, let's move along.
My digitalagespouse Martha will be properly attired for her role -- shutterbug. She'll try to capture the excitement on the dogs' faces should the animated short film "Guard Dog" win. The cats we expect to be indifferent.
Because I am a student of Insignificant Predictions, I am going to take a stab at picking the winners in the major categories. Thanks to www.oscars.com, I have a ballot. And I will now offer selections and explanations.
Should I hit everything on the money, I would like to thank my personal psychic, the exotic, saucy mastermind Pico de Gallo, whose favorite expression while investing on Wall Street is "You don't need me to tell you that's hot."
Keep in mind I've seen only one of the nominated movies (Sideways). But I've seen most of the trailers. And that's what counts in a world so shallow that it's nearly convex.
Here goes:
BEST ACTOR
Don Cheadle - Hotel Rwanda: Sentimental favorite here. Great actor in many films -- should have won for Boogie Nights and Oceans 11. Should be punished for Ocean's 12. Not a prayer, but should have gotten an Oscar for playing "Mouse" in "Devil in a Blue Dress" with Denzel Washington..
Johnny Depp - Finding Neverland. Co-starred with co-nominee Leo DiCaprio in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" years ago. Has played a pirate. Should have won for Don Juan De Marco. Won't win this time, either. Besides, this movie is about a literary figure and the Oscars are in Hollywood.
Leonardo DiCaprio - The Aviator: Does Howard Hughes really need to keep winning stuff in the 21st Century, too?
Clint Eastwood - Million Dollar Baby: From the trailers, he looks like he's world-weary Clint Eastwood. Might win. He's always engaging. Besides, he was Rawhide's beloved Rowdy Yates.
Jamie Foxx -Ray: Well, my goodness, everybody says the Oscar belongs to Jamie Foxx. So, it'll probably go to Clint Eastwood.
PREDICTION: Clint rasps a thanks to everybody. Cheadle gets more and better roles in bigger movies. Depp and DiCaprio remake The Odd Couple and Dawn Patrol. Jamie Foxx gets new agent and PR people. Hosts the Oscars in 2006.
BEST ACTRESS:
Annette Bening - Being Julia. Isn't winning Warren Beatty enough?
Catalina Sandino Moreno-Maria Full of Grace: Not a prayer.
Imeda Staunton - Vera Drake. Not enough glamour. Title sounds like a Disney duck cartoon.
Hilary Swank - Million Dollar Baby. Might be an Oscar rerun.
Kate Winslet - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Nope. Just saying the title adds time to the telecast and Oscar is trying to get shorter. Also, often confused with Cate Blanchett. Too much confusion for actors who vote in this category.
PREDICTION: Hilary Swank kayos the competition and, finally, thanks her husband Chad Lowe. If he was her inspiration in this film, count the family law attorneys handing Chad their cards.
SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Alan Alda- The Aviator: Nice to be nominated. Nice. Nice guys finish nicely.
Thomas Haden Church - Sideways: Have some wine, enjoy the show.
Jamie Foxx - Collateral: Slight chance.
Morgan Freeman - Million Dollar Baby: He's the greatest. The greatest. I'd love to hear his Oscar speech.
Clive Owen - Closer. First nobody knows if it's "Clo-sir" as in "nearer" or "Clo-zer" as in making the sale. Doesn't matter. He's going to be James Bond.
PREDICTION: Morgan Freeman wins, pays tribute to Jamie Foxx.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Cate Blanchette - The Aviator: Nope. Get some calla lillies and listen for the loons, Kate, er, Cate.
Laura Linney - Kinsey: Nope.
Virginia Madsen - Sideways: Uncork the wine. Make it sparkling. You'll need a sip.
Sophie Okonedo - Hotel Rawanda: Goes against all Hollywood probabilities. This is the annual "didn't see that coming" category.
Natalie Portman - Closer: Nah. She'll profit more from next years Star Wars sequel.
PREDICTION: Sophie Okonedo from the movie about humans helping humans in danger from other humans. Hollywood loves to look like it cares about humanity.
DIRECTOR:
Never mind all the nominees. Just give it to Clint Eastwood so Martin Scorsese can try harder next time. Besides he must be punished for the sluggish and oddly bizarre Gangs of New York.
BEST PICTURE:
The Aviator, the story of Howard Hughes. It's a long, long epic without Kevin Costner or Mel Gibson or, for that matter Mel Brooks. Long makes wrong for Oscar.
Finding Neverland, the story of James Barrie, author of Peter Pan. If the title had only been "Nevergrowupland: Plastic Surgery in Tinseltown" he'd have had a chance.
Million Dollar Baby, a relationship story with a female boxer. People made fun of Tonya Harding for boxing. They worship Hilary Swank for pretending. Life ain't fair.
Ray, biopic of Ray Charles. Music means something.
Sideways, a romp through the California wine country by a light-brained actor and a sour sidekick. Best scene: Sandra Oh beating the devil out of Thomas Haden Church with a motorcycle helmet. One scene doesn't win an Oscar.
PREDICTION: Million Dollar Baby. Don't know why. Didn't see it. Boxing films always do well: Rocky, Raging Bull, The Lord of the Rings.....
Enjoy the show.
