This morning, as I fought off a nap, I was surfing the TV channels and came across a beautiful scene of ducks flying across a morning sky. So beautiful.
And the voiceover said some guy was the "premier duck communicator" in the country. I thought, "Dang! That's as good as being an animal psychic. A duck communicator."
Well, of course, it turned out to be one of those hunting shows where some doofus in a pair of camouflage waders and overalls is videotaped standing waist deep in a lake or slough or something and quacking on a gadget that mimics a duck. Oh, yeah, all across this pond were scattered fake ducks -- from a hundred yards in the air, they must look real.
The program catches this guy's every word as if what he is going to say is every bit as significant to the planet as what Socrates or Plato declared or even what Harvey Pennick may have said about shooting birdies. But this guy is no philosopher. He suckers little innocent ducks into a kill zone.
Sure enough, the premier duck communicator managed to lure a lone duck out of a formation and down toward the pond where, I swear, from the reeds and foliage on the side of the pond, suddenly emerged at least five full grown men with guns drawing a bead on a lone, unarmed duck in flight.
Five guns, one unarmed duck. Hardly the Code of the West.
I quit watching.
Frankly, I can't explain the whole hunting thing. I know there are people who claim it helps them get next to nature, but, it always looked to me as if they're getting next to nature so they can blow it to kingdom come.
Maybe the answer is for some of us to get those duck calls and learn how to quack, "Scram! It's a trap."
There's probably no law against anti-quacking. Well, I can't say that for certain. Arkansas may have a "No Anti-quacking Law."
I understand that some people claim to shoot deer so they can keep the deer population down and deer won't starve to death -- Have they ever considered just taking the money spent on munitions and using it to feed the deer?
Geez, if we applied this shoot- it-so-it-won't-starve rule to society, you couldn't pay a super model enough money to walk out on a runway.
Oh, wait, some of you already feed the deer oats all year until deer season opens, then you sit in your deer stand and wait for the deer to drop by the buffet site for the daily free meal. Kablooie. Ah, sporting chance.
OK, forgive my rant, today. I know hunting is part of a segment of the American culture. And, of course, if people didn't shoot those ducks, why the ducks would take over the nation and pretty soon we wouldn't be able to drive down the highway without encountering flocks of ducks panhandling at the off ramps.
I can see the headlines now, "Duck riots clog Vegas casinos" or "Mallards bring New York traffic to halt" or "Platypus parade confuses hunters."
You'd think in a world that already has so much mayhem -- this week someone turned a sun-roofed Jaguar into an urban assault vehicle and shot 3 people to death in Dallas -- that we could just lay off the gunfire. Save the planet without shotgunning the inhabitants, you know?
Maybe someone ought to fund a "Swap Your Gun for a Digital Camera" program. Enjoy nature, don't destroy it. Focus, people, focus. Don't aim.
